September

September was a game changer for me in so many ways - in the past 11 months I had noticed that I was having a hard time putting words together - I had suffered through this as everything else as a side effect of Interferon. Until  I watched a piece on the news that identified the sleeping pill that I was on was known to bring on early dementia and alzheimers so I began to call to get off of the drug. What I found out was that I had presented in June with symptoms that I was addicted and instead of getting me off of the drugs the doctor upped the dose. Fortunately the PA I see at the endocrinologist office saw it as such and moved me to another drug - when I called the oncologists office his PA wanted to know why I wanted off the drug - seriously after I have been crystal clear that I do not want to take any drug that is addictive you give me THE MOST addictive drug AND the MOST Difficult drug to get off of - I can have detox symptoms for as long as 2 year and you want to know why?? I have fired the oncologist and I am moving my care to MD Anderson - I am now 12 days off of any sleeping pill and feeling better but still struggling with the depression this has left me with. I gained 20 pounds so that means this will continue until I lose the 20 pounds that has the drug stored in my fat....I have lost 3 pounds so on the positive only 17 more to go.

I joined a book club at church - a study on forgiveness - I have learned to forgive people as the stupid flows out of their mouths - I have had to because until you have gotten the dreaded C diagnosis you will not understand this but people really do say some stupid shit - really really stupid shit! I would never wish this a C diagnosis on anyone you just don't know the depths of stupid people will go to.

My medical is now moved to a TOP Melanoma doctor at MD Anderson - I think my catalyst was the 60 minutes story on the cost of Cancer Drugs and that they like Sloan Kettering were looking at the total benefit to the patient of these drugs - in addition to this I found out that my Oncologist made money off the Interferon and I as pay off the last of that bill $250.00 a month for that past 6 months I find that the irony in of this revelation maddening. Fortunately after being threatened by Biotheronostics that if I didn't pay them $3000 by October 30th for a overpriced lab test - I decided fuck this paying $800.00 a month towards these bills and living like a pauper I am taking a vacation and getting the heck out of AZ. In 4 days I am off to Long Beach California  as a jumping off point for some protected beach time, to see the Queen Mary and a day trip to Catalina. My hotel equipped with a jacuzzi and sauna for my aching body is located just a short drive to a Whole Foods and Organic produce that can be stored in my in room fridge!  I am taking the Fiat on this trek by myself because in all of this I have learned that being alone is far better than being with someone who is miserable and traveling alone is some what selfish as I get to do what I want when I want and I don't have to clear it with any one EVER!

Life is good - I am crawling out of the depression hole that Restoril put me in - and closer to my goal of getting back to where I was September 2013. I have some fences to mend because I have eliminated so many people from my life for being human and afraid because I could not be human and afraid I had to be focused and steadfast with not tolerance for those who could not bear to weather this storm with me.